Dwight:: [Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on. Michael:: How many is that? Dwight:: Not counting the last one, 25. Michael:: Count the last one. Dwight:: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up! Michael:: Oh, new record! Dwight:: Okay. Michael:: Oh, what did you do today? Jim:: I made a sale. Michael:: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat. Meredith:: What do we get if we do ’em? Michael:: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I’ll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups – Dwight:: And one girl push-up. Michael:: Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say ‘dance,’ they say ‘how high?’ Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified! Angela:: Ow! Michael:: What do we got? Creed, disqualified. Creed:: [from desk chair] Oh, come on! Jim:: 19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning. Michael:: [Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable! Phyllis:: Ten… Michael:: Yeah, I’m betting one more. Phyllis:: Eleven, wow! Michael:: Good. Everyone:: [chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley… Michael:: Alright, alright. [chanting continues] Oscar:: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby. Michael:: Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down. Dwight:: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it! Phyllis:: One more, one more! [cheers and applause] Oscar:: You okay? You okay, Stanley? Stanley:: Excuse me. Jim:: Wow. [applause] Oscar:: Hey. Matt, right? Matt:: Hey, Oscar. You’re here early. Oscar:: I always come in at 7. Warehouse Guy:: No, you don’t. Oscar:: Well… Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight? Matt:: I don’t know. I’m free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know. Oscar:: Yeah. Oscar:: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work. Darryl:: Hey, what’s up? Oscar:: Hey, nice office. Darryl:: Thanks, it’s cool. So… Oscar:: You know what we haven’t done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink. Darryl:: Has that ever happened? Ever? Oscar:: Didn’t we? I think we did. Darryl:: You want me to invite Matt? Oscar:: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included. Darryl:: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me. Oscar:: So happy hour. Darryl:: Happy hour. My pleasure. Oscar:: All right. Oscar:: So what do you think? Phyllis:: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I’d like to try. I’ll ask Bob. Phyllis:: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats ’em up. What? Andy:: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour. Jim:: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam’s at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in. Andy:: Oh, baloney. Jim:: Good one. Andy:: Ring her up. Jim:: Absolutely, I will do that right now. Jim:: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I – and I love her. I also love her, very much. Jim:: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them- Pam:: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to! Andy:: Ha! Knew it! Pam:: [through phone] It’s been so long since I’ve been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley’s going to be there. Yes, oh my God! Jim:: I did not see this coming. Andy:: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later? Erin:: Sure, if you are. Andy:: Yes. Erin:: Talk to me that way again, and I’ll cut your face off. Andy:: Whoa. Andy:: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um… but we’re kinda keeping it quiet for now ’cause it’s still kind of a new thing. It’s a little delicate, and we just don’t want all the drama. Erin:: Exactly. Andy:: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That’s actually pretty funny, but in general, you know. Erin:: Quiet. Andy:: Hey, boss man. Michael:: Yes? Andy:: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in? Michael:: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time. Andy:: I’m sorry, I meant later. Michael:: Ok, yes. Sure. Andy:: For happy hour? Michael:: No, I got that. Andy:: Trying to get a head count. Michael:: I am in. Andy:: All right, yes! It’s a deal. Michael:: It’s a deal. Pam:: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie. Jim:: Okay. Pam:: I want her to meet Michael. Jim:: Why? Pam:: They’re both single, I have a sense they might- Jim:: You’ve been gone for a long time. Pam:: It is not that. Kevin! Oh! Kevin:: Yeah! [hugs Pam] Pam:: Hey, how are you? Kevin:: Oh, I missed you so much. Pam:: Aw! Kevin:: Yeah! Pam:: Yeah! Kevin:: Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises] Kevin:: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what’s fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know… that would be funny. Michael:: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs] Jim:: Easy. Michael:: It’s not a birthday, it’s not a good-bye party… Jim:: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth. Michael:: Sucks to be you. Jim:: Would you like to be our fourth? Michael:: That would be sublime. Jim:: All right. Darryl:: So, the guy shows me the deck he’s built. And I’m like, ‘I’ll call this a deck if it’ll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.’ [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs. Pam:: Hey, Michael. Michael:: Yes. Pam:: This is my friend Julie. Michael:: Hello, how are you? Julie:: Good. Hi. Michael:: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs] Pam:: Julie laughs at everything. Julie:: So you work with Pam and Jim? Michael:: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired. Julie:: [giggles] I should hope not. Michael:: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win. Isabel:: Hey. Pam:: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness. Isabel:: Of course. Pam:: You want to play pool? Isabel:: Um, I’m gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone. Pam:: Ok. Angela:: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that- Dwight:: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn’t Isabel. Isabel:: Mm-hmm. Dwight:: What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Isabel:: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this. Dwight:: Ooh, I love repartee. Isabel:: Do you? Dwight:: Usually means there’s a battle scene coming. Michael:: So, what do you do? Julie:: I am an ESL teacher. Michael:: Really? Julie:: Yeah. Michael:: See, I didn’t think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now? Julie:: Are you thinking that I said ‘ESP?’ Michael:: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome. Julie:: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn’t act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we’d never get anything done. Jim:: So what do you think? Michael:: About what? Jim:: About Julie? Michael:: She’s nice. Jim:: Yeah. Michael:: Yeah. Jim:: So you like her? Michael:: Uh, yeah, sure. Jim:: So Pam was right? Michael:: About what? Jim:: About you two hitting it off. Michael:: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap] Hide:: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart. Oscar:: I know. Pam:: Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces] Jim:: Hey, you’re supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok? Pam:: Why are you wearing a hat now? Michael:: Guys, come on, I’m on a date. Let me do my thang. Michael:: Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink] Jim:: You want to just make a run for it? Pam:: Maybe. Kevin:: Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam’s chest] Waaaaah! Mommy! Jim:: What is happening? Andy:: Whoa! What is crackin? Ryan:: Guys, one second. [on dance videogame] Kelly:: We’re focusing, we’re focusing, we can’t talk. Erin:: What’s this game? Ryan:: One second. Andy:: Yeah, how do you play? Ryan:: Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it’s all yours now. Kelly:: Only three tickets. Ryan:: If we save ’em up, we can get more than a sticker this time. Kelly:: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets. Ryan:: I know, but you wanted the big thing. Andy:: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together? Erin:: Oh I know. Andy:: They’d be like, ‘what’s up with those two?’ Erin:: ‘Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.’ Andy:: ‘Did we miss the wedding?’ Um, I got it-I’ll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we’ll switch. Erin:: Yes, okay. Yeah, that’s smart. Andy:: No drama. Ok. Isabel:: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole. Dwight:: Any brothers or sisters? Isabel:: Three brothers. Dwight:: Really? Isabel:: Two are in the Marines, one’s a cop. Dwight:: Vegetarian? Isabel:: No. I love meat. Dwight:: What’s your blood type? Isabel:: O-negative. Universal donor. Dwight:: Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses] Dwight:: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela. Michael:: Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready? Julie:: What are you doing? Michael:: I’m tying a knot in the stem with my tongue. Jim:: Michael, you don’t have to do this. Michael:: [choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close. Michael:: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. Phyllis:: Hey, you two having fun? Andy:: Did you tell them? Erin:: No. Andy:: This is exactly what I don’t want, the drama. I don’t want the drama! Erin:: I get it. Isabel:: [Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good? Dwight:: Whacking moles. Hit ’em on the head. Whack. Say it with me. Isabel:: Whack! Dwight:: Extend the fingers more. Isabel:: Whack! Dwight:: Good. Angela:: This looks like a hoot. Dwight:: Hey, monkey, how you doing? Angela:: Whack. Dwight:: Listen, can I talk to you for a second? Angela:: Okay. Dwight:: Look, I’ve been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don’t need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore. Angela:: It’s no worry. Dwight:: It’s just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family. Angela:: I could see enjoying that. Dwight:: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You’re off the hook. Angela:: But we signed the contract. Dwight:: Dissolved. Don’t worry, you’re free. Okay? Okay. See you later. Angela:: We both-you didn’t dup- Jim:: [Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he’s not normally like this. Pam:: Maybe it should come from a man. Jim:: Maybe it should come from a note… with flowers…tomorrow. Bar Manager:: Hello. Michael:: Hello. Bar Manager:: Hi. Michael:: Hi. Bar Manager:: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table? Michael:: Yeah, why don’t you send the bill to 23 I Don’t Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania? Pam:: Hey, Michael, why don’t you just get down. Michael:: Hey, she can tell I’m on a date, right? Right? I’m just having fun. Bar Manager:: Ted, are we having fun? Michael:: Really? You told on me. That’s lame. Bouncer:: We got a problem? Michael:: Yes. Homelessness. What? Bar Manager:: All right, go. Michael:: Where? Bar Manager:: Get out. Now. Michael:: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I’m just kidding around. I’m sorry. Pam:: Ok, um, why don’t we just finish the game? Michael, it’s your shot. Michael:: She can’t talk to us that way. Pam:: You guys are stripes, I think… Michael:: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop? Jim:: It stopped. Michael:: Well, I am starting it again! Pam:: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here. Michael:: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I’m gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize. Bar Manager:: Then I am sorry that I didn’t kick you out. Michael:: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello. Bar Manager:: Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir. Michael:: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you. Bar Manager:: Is that how you do it? Michael:: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it. Bar Manager:: Really? How much have you written? Michael:: I’ve written all of it… in my head. Bar Manager:: Oh. Michael:: If you’re really interested, it’s called ‘Somehow I Manage’ and there’s going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up. Bar Manager:: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca’s? It’s a classic. Michael:: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it. Bar Manager:: Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow. Michael:: I own a Chrysler. Bar Manager:: Shut up. Michael:: No, you shut up. Bar Manager:: What’s your drink? Michael:: Grenadine. Bar Manager:: What? Andy:: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead. Erin:: Okay. Andy:: [Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi. Girl at table:: Hi. Andy:: I don’t normally do this, but… Girl at table:: Do what? Andy:: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people. Erin:: [Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that? Andy:: [Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing? Erin:: What we said to do. Andy:: We didn’t say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers! Erin:: I was flirting with a man. Andy:: Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that? Erin:: The movies. I don’t know. Andy:: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan? Michael:: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre. Bar Manager:: You have a card? Michael:: I did. I actually put it in your bowl. Bar Manager:: Stanley Hudson? Michael:: No, no. Bar Manager:: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here. Michael:: No, it’s Michael Scott. Bar Manager:: Michael Scott? Michael:: He is I. Bar Manager:: You just won yourself a lunch. Michael:: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up] Julie:: I think I’m gonna go. Pam:: Really? Julie:: Yeah. Pam:: I’m sorry, he’s not usually like that. Julie:: What’s he usually like? Pam:: He’s more, just… like… you can go. Julie:: Yeah. Jim:: All right. Pam:: Okay. Bye. Jim:: See ya. Nice girl. Pam:: Yeah. Michael:: Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves] Bar Manager:: So… when are you coming in for that free lunch? You’re gonna want to come in on a day that I’m working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too. Darryl:: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude’s life story? It’s amazing, right? Oscar:: I couldn’t understand a word he said. Darryl:: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt’s an okay dude, but he’s a dummy. You guys got nothing in common. Oscar:: Maybe you’re right. I should count myself lucky. Matt:: Hey, what’s up? Oscar:: There he is! Hey, hey, hey. Matt:: Anyone up for some hoops? Oscar:: Sure. Hoops! Matt:: Let’s do it. Oscar:: Hoop it up, right. Andy:: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting] Andy:: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I’ve been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you. Andy:: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go. Erin:: [laughs] You love drama. Andy:: I know, I do, right? I’m a total drama queen. Dwight:: With this move, he can’t get you. Isabel:: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler. Dwight:: Oh, please. I wish he’d come after me. I would be like-aaah! Angela:: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight:: Sh-what? Angela:: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court. Dwight:: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah! Angela:: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin. Isabel:: What are you talking about? Dwight:: What are you- Angela:: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me. Dwight:: Angela… Angela:: Did he not tell you that? Dwight:: You’re really putting me in an awkward position here. Angela:: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract? Dwight:: Angela, not here! Angela:: Dwight? Isabel:: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead] Angela:: You’ll see me in small claims court! Dwight:: You are an impressive specimen. Isabel:: Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss] Kelly:: [crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn’t give me a refill. Pam:: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh. Jim:: You all right? Pam:: Okay, we have to get home. Kevin:: Yeah! Michael:: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady. Jim:: Actually, you didn’t. Pam:: Not at all. Michael:: I think I did. But I can’t take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Darryl:: Tell ’em your story, Hide. Hide:: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!